Calendars are arbitrary time-keeping methods created by humans, yet, I can’t help but to think about the future when January comes around.
In recent years, I’ve stopped being so scared of the future. It would bring me a lot of anxiety. Growing older, the inevitable loss of loved ones, constant change … you know, that kind of stuff.
After it started happening around me, I realized how useless it was to worry about the inevitable.
I’m really thankful for the people I’ve met this last year and the support that I’ve received from them, friends, and family as well. In the past, people would say that kind of thing and I couldn’t truly understand what the impact of having people cheer you on was until recently.
It seems that my life has progressively become more isolated. A few years ago my home was incredibly lively. We’d play music, get into arguments, something was always cooking, but now it’s practically quiet.
That sort of stuff might seem nice in the short term. After all, I think everyone needs a break from their routines occasionally. However, after a while … the isolation gets to you.
The fact that I’ll never get to see the family members who I once shared a roof with … it eats at me.
When I first started going to counseling, I was told that grief never truly goes away.
It’s like a hole in your heart that varies in size depending on the day. One day it might feel like a small, but bearable tug at the heart. On another day you might feel an agony so great that it weighs you down.
Life’s like that, I suppose.
After everything happened, I didn’t really have a lot of people I could talk to. I could call my distant family, but they were grieving in their own way as well. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I wanted an external force to tell me that everything was going to be okay.
That never happened, though. It’s the reason I went to counseling in the first place.
I’m not doing that anymore though, I lasted a good while bouncing between mental health professionals until settling with one for about two years. Honestly, I couldn’t really tell you if they helped me fix anything.
Nowadays, I feel a bit like a drifter. Which is ironic because my life is mostly-at home unless I get the urge to travel. That feeling manifests itself in me because at some point I feel like I transitioned from being an active participant in everyday life to an observer.
None of the big picture stuff that goes on in the world matters to me anymore, I guess. Maybe it’s because compared to losing someone … everything else seems pretty stupid in comparison.
I’m not really stoic about these things or anything. There’s merit in recognizing the emotions you feel in any given moment and then proceed accordingly. One time I read somewhere that “Anger” is often misunderstood as a negative emotion.
When we feel wronged or something is taken from us, it’s actually a very healthy reaction to feel angry. I think it’s because the self-esteem is activated and wants to channel the pain somehow.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m realizing that there’s a lot in this world that isn’t worth being angry about. Especially if it’s all out of my control.
Despite everything I’ve said, I think my outlook on life is generally positive.
I’ve been 30 about a year now. A few years ago a friend of mine said that at this point in my life I’d be cynical and jaded, but I don’t think that’s the case.
If anything, I feel like I want to create. I want to nurture. I want to plant seeds of hope and see the world smile one day because the alternative for me is … giving up.
If I give up, I don’t think I could ever face my mom, or anyone else I’ve lost when my time eventually comes.
Why bother trying?
Why bother getting up in the morning?
Why do you continue despite everything?
Unfortunately, I don’t have a satisfying answer to any of the questions above.
I bother because in my mind there’s no alternative.
I’ve really been through a lot, haven’t I?
Excuse the self-indulgence, but I can’t really afford to be humble about these things anymore.
…
I think I’ll take a trip to a relaxing place this year. Yeah, that’d be nice.
Let’s go to a place so pure that it nourishes the soul.
Happy New Year.