The robots helped me with the title today.
I’ve always been a fan of Girls’ Frontline’s chapter names (after chapter 10.75).
For a very long time I thought the chapter names consisted of seemingly random words that sounded great together, like the chapter “Poincaré Recurrence”. But no, that’s the name of an actual theorem.
“Cartesian Theater” is both the name of another chapter and also a concept related to the experience of consciousness.
So, I guess I’m actually a fan of short titles with complicated words that I have never seen before. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, it’s not really related to what I wanted to write about.
Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to chase ghosts, or feelings and sensations that aren’t there anymore. I think about my old habits and compare myself to who I was maybe a year ago and think about the decisions I made that led me my current point in life.
Just so we’re clear, I don’t have any regrets in my life. But even so, I often wonder about what could’ve been even though I don’t necessarily want it. You know … relationships with people that never manifested, things I’ve said “no” to, etc.
On this website, I have an “about me” page where I describe myself as a lonely person. I thought about changing it, but it didn’t really feel right to do that. I used to be lonely and sad, but now I’m lonely and okay with it.
I have people in my life that love me, people who cheer me on; Overall, I think despite everything, I have a decent network of supportive individuals! I think the loneliness stems from something else entirely, like my constant desire to create and do things.
It feels like I’m so used to being independent and at peace with myself that it makes it difficult to connect with other people. Not really trying to flex, because I don’t think a lot of sane people would choose this kind of life, either.
A couple of years ago, I read Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra and there’s a chapter that really resonates with me. It’s called the The Way of the Creating One.
This chapter lists the difficulties in remaining true to yourself in a world where people are constantly trying to deny you the satisfaction of self-actualization. There will be moments when you will doubt yourself, will want to return to the herd, and feel pangs of loneliness … but it’s something you must overcome if you want to be true to yourself.
Another topic that the chapter touches upon is the theme of constant change. Metaphorically speaking, you have to constantly burn yourself alive if you want to rise from the ashes.
Complacency leads to mediocrity and part of me can’t stand that! Challenge yourself!
But yeah, I’m currently in one of those moments that I have to overcome. Lately, people have been inviting me to do stuff that I’m not really interested in doing anymore. The benefit would be that I get to spend time with awesome folks, but the downside is that I’d probably hate myself and complain every second of the activity on top of it being a significant time commitment.
Not just that, but I feel the same way about other old habits as well. They feel like a waste of time, empty, or without any purpose.
Maybe one day I’ll think about my current habits in the same way.
I’m back to fighting myself and my current limitations. In all honesty, what’s making me depressed the most is how hard it’s been to motivate myself to draw more or finishing Wandering Chrysanthemum. My medication helped to focus on those goals but now that I’m off of them, it’s been harder to concentrate my energy on creativity.
It’s not like I haven’t drawn without medication. After all, I wasn’t on medication when I initially began my artistic journey. This is probably the self-hate that Nietzsche talks about, huh? I love my creativity, but absolutely despise my work ethic. But because of that hate, I love the work that I do manage to complete and it fills me with great pride.
This has been another post filled with rambling. Hopefully next time I’ll post about the project. I’ll say this … I’ve made it my life’s mission to finish Wandering Chrysanthemum and the larger UNTITLED VISUAL NOVEL. It might sound ridiculous, but this is basically going to be my very own bible (not literally).
My goal is to create a work of fiction where I express everything I’m frustrated with about the world and point people towards spiritual freedom. By the end of it, I want people to feel that they have the choice to feel spiritually liberated despite whatever living conditions they find themselves in. I don’t know if it’ll take me 10 months to write or 10 years, I’m set on finishing it.
Anyway, I should get back to what I was doing. I’ve procrastinated way too much and told myself I would do some cleaning and instead sat down and wrote a whole rant on my blog.