Hello everyone,
It’s been about two months since my last blog post. I’ve been working on the Wandering Chrysanthemum and deep down I know that the writing probably won’t be really good, but I’m trying to ignore that and keep pushing just so I can have A SCRIPT completed by the end of the year. I don’t think I’m necessarily suffering from writers’ block, but time seems to be in short supply nowadays. I might have to double, no, triple my efforts to have a script completed by the end of 2025. Seriously though, I’m less worried about it since I returned from my vacation on Friday. That’s probably the first topic that I’d like to write about at length.
A Much Needed Vacation
I had the sudden urge to visit my family in Mexico back in late July of this year. The last time I had visited them was in 2021 as the pandemic was still ongoing. My last visit was kind of odd … I decided to visit my family because I wanted to deliver my mother’s ashes. She had passed away about three years prior and the pandemic made it difficult for me to make the trip. That visit was one to remember because I realized how disconnected I felt from the people in my day-to-day life. My online friends, my real-life friends, everyone. The pandemic really did a number on everyone’s mental health, but I think any feeling of isolation I had prior to COVID was exacerbated. There’s internet at my grandparents’ place, so I was able to get online. However, it felt inappropriate to talk to my online friends at length during that visit. After all, I went because I wanted to deliver my mother to her resting place, it was something very personal to me that did not involve them.
We had a service on the day after I arrived. Afterwards, I found myself feeling more alone than usual.
It was a definitely a dark time in my life, but also a reminder to remember those who stick by you during those tough times. My family.
I’m very lucky to have the family that I have left, they are a pillar of unwavering support and have always welcomed me with open arms.
Sometimes, my life feels like it’s passing by quickly and I kind of forget that they’re still cheering me on. I’m grateful for their reminders and the countless blessings they have sent me over the years. They remind me that I always have people supporting me somewhere in this floating rock we call Earth.
So, I decided to visit them under better circumstances over a week ago. While my recent visits have been relatively short, I think that might change soon. I had a lot of fun just living the normal day-to-day life with my family. I haven’t had a home-cooked meal in over a year and sharing a meal with them was very nostalgic. I live with my brother, but our work schedules are different, so we don’t get to eat together that often.
I’ve missed living with family, I’ve missed having people who genuinely care about my well-being. I’ve missed the simple things in life so much.
In my mother’s hometown, you can feel a stronger sense of community despite the modernization that has occurred over the last few decades. Sure, Mexico has its share of problems as does any country, but I really felt at home. Just for reference, I speak Spanish as well. I do consider myself to be Bilingual, but I always feel self-conscious about my Spanish when I’m in Mexico. Like, I feel that people will treat me differently if they hear an accent. I’ve been a Spanish teacher for crying out loud! Deep down, I think my Spanish is fine but there is a different kind of anxiety that creeps up when I’m faced with my parents’ native tongue. Maybe, it’s the desire to seem authentic. Like saying, “Hey! I belong here too!”.
Nonetheless, I was able to communicate with people and have a genuinely great time. My Grandma really wants my brother and I to live with her. She’s very aware of how lonely we are, especially after losing the one parent who raised us. I don’t think I’m totally against the idea, but it would definitely have to be a well-paying remote job. On top of that, I have a lot of stuff I’d like to take with me.
I posted a bit on Bluesky during my trips. I really liked how “slow” everything felt back in my mother’s hometown. That rush I feel when living in Philly was non-existent. I’ve come to realize that I despise it and it fundamentally works against human nature. Despite living into densely packed city blocks, we are very isolated people. Or at least, that’s how I realize that I feel now.
Anyway, I had a great time and I would like to visit more often, but that requires money. I think if I get my finances in order, I’ll be able to afford a trip at least once a month. Unfortunately, I don’t accumulate vacation time at work at the same rate, haha.
Vacation and Wandering Chrysanthemum
So, I took my iPad with me to write a bit for the visual novel. I’ve been on a great creative streak lately, a lot of drawing has been happening.
I started on the third scene of WC, it’s a fight scene and it’s taking a long time to wrap up. Over my visit, I came to realize what I want this shorter story to be about.
My main character, Amana Amagi, is an amnesiac whose memory goes back to her first day at the military academy she’s studying at. While there’s a reason for this, it’s not really the main point of the story. Initially, Amagi aspires to be a war hero, which is a dream that is shared by many of the students alike. You might say that there’s nothing wrong with having a dream like that, but it turns out that Amagi isn’t as passionate about this dream after all for a few reasons.
- Most of the students are human and have been indoctrinated by the fascist regime since they were children.
- Amagi is not human and is subject to prejudice.
- Amagi’s memory does not include the years of indoctrination (if it even happened).
Over the course of the story, Amagi falls out of love with this false dream she had. Her mentor provides an example of a genuine aspiration that comes from the heart and is true to her character.
So a lot of these ideas actually arose from visiting my family. During my visit, I had a sense that I was in the “right place”. For years I thought that chasing a decent job and living alone would make me happy, but it has made me slightly miserable instead. Was this my fake dream?
Recently, I saw a video from SuperBunnyHop that talks about recommended readings for the video game Death Stranding. I’ve been a fan of Hideo Kojima since I was young, but it’s only as I’ve gotten older that I’ve come to appreciate the messages and inspirations that are found in his works. Something that really resonated with me in the video was that the ability to truly appreciate art comes from the lived experiences that we have.
A game reviewer who doesn’t really do much outside of gaming is going to have a much shallow understanding of the world than someone who is well-traveled and interested in many topics. I was told something similar when I was in film school as well. My screenwriting professor said “write from your backyard”. Which means to create something that comes from the lived experiences that you have. It’s really obvious when you write about something that you haven’t lived through. That’s not to say that you can’t write about historical fiction because you weren’t there, I’m actually talking about feelings of joy when you see someone you love, the pain that comes with a betrayal, things like that.
There is so much subtext when you have lived through difficult experiences and decided to write about them or create a work of art based on them. In a way, it’s like your wounds make their way into the work itself. I can only imagine that people who have gone through similar experiences pick up on these subtle hints and feel heard. After all, that’s a core pillar of good writing: No matter the setting, if you can make your audience relate to the characters you’re writing about, that’s pretty great!
And so, I guess my advice for people who are writing is to live. You don’t have to travel to another country to do it. You can take a look at your daily routines and start with a small risk. Maybe take another route to work, or compliment a stranger while being completely aware of the how you’re feeling during the exchange. Are you nervous? How does the other person react? Did they seem defensive until they heard the compliment? Small things like that.
I’m telling you that you can play all the video games in the world and remember their stories and still be a shitty writer.
I’ve decided to take the reigns in a slightly different direction with Wandering Chrysanthemum and I think it’ll be for the better. It’s about a student who is faced at a cross-road in her life and needs to decide who she wants to be in the near future.